Women Speak: The Value of Community-Based Research on Woman Abuse
3. INTERVIEWS WITH SURVIVORS
The following presentation of interview material is based on the analysis of telephone interviews with 21 survivors who participated in the ORWAS project. The questions posed during the interview were organised around the three project objectives and the quotations and commentary are presented below under those objectives.
3.1 Research Process
Interview Format and Use of Community Researchers
The employment of a researcher from the community drew a mixed reaction from the survivors. Some did not know the researcher before and reported being concerned about who it might be.
“Because it was a small community. I wasn’t sure who would be doing it. I didn’t want it to be someone who was related.”
For those who did know the researcher, it was seen as a positive factor, in that they found it easier to decide to participate because they knew her or her family.
“Very comfortable because I know her mother and her sister.”
“It was easier because I had known her before.”
Women reported being comfortable in the interview format and liked talking to someone face to face. Initially, some worried about confidentiality or talking to a stranger but those fears seem to have dissipated once the interview began.
“She made me feel like she was a long lost friend. I was surprised how much I told her.”
Women stated that they felt they could trust the interviewer. Although some women said it was important to them to know that the interviewer had experience in the field of violence against women (which some researchers had), all the participants stated that they found the researchers very sympathetic and easy to talk to. Most said there was nothing that they felt they couldn’t say to her.
“I think it might have been a little bit more challenging if it had been just somebody out of the blue and I didn’t know them or that they’d been working in the field of violence against women.”
The majority were interviewed in their own homes and found that comfortable. Taping of the interview sessions did not seem to present any significant problems to the survivors.
“I preferred it. It was on my turf, my ground. It made it much easier that it was in my home.”
Transcripts and Reports
Not many of the women chose to change their transcripts but several said that they were glad to have had that option.
“Yes, it was nice to add to and explain things.”
“I crossed things out, added things, changed it around to make it make sense.”
Women were asked to comment on the format of the community report, which used direct quotes from the women who participated. The vast majority found it effective in accurately reflecting the perspectives of abused women.
“It puts the person right there. It gives a better picture of what each woman is going through.”
Meeting other Participants
As an optional part of the study design, a few of the community researchers offered women the chance to meet as a group to review the draft community report. Those who took the opportunity said that they liked being able to do so.
“You get a group of abused women in a room and they have so much in common that you can’t shut them up. It’s like all of the things that you didn’t say for so many years all of a sudden come out all at once.”
3.2 Effects of Participating
Reasons for Participating
Women’s reasons for choosing to participate in the study fell into three categories.
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To help other women.
“After 49 years of abuse I wanted to use my life to help someone else.”
“If it in any way could help anybody else in the future, then it would have made it a little more worth going through.”
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For their own personal growth or healing.
“Thought it would be a great way to put some closure on what happened to me.”
“If I could talk about what I went through it might be good for me.”
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Because they believe that other people should know what abused women go through.
“Nobody knows how we feel because nobody asks us how we feel.”
“I want to be heard. I want my story told.”
Concerns Prior to Participating
Most women did not have difficulty making the decision to participate. Those who did expressed the following concerns:
- Fear of being found out by their abuser.
“I was afraid that he was going to find out. He still doesn’t believe that he was mean to me.”
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Denial that they had been living with abuse.
“I guess I was sort of still in denial that it was abusive.”
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Reluctance to relive their experiences.
“When you talk about it, it stays with you after. Just reliving a lot of stuff.”
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Confidentiality was identified by many of the women as a concern when they were deciding whether to participate. Two of the community researchers were associated in some way with the local shelters. For some of the women in these two communities, the shelter link allayed their fears.
“Knowing that she had worked with abused women over a period of years, so I felt that there was no threat in terms of confidentiality.”
“I trusted the shelter that it wouldn’t be anything that was used against me.”
Effects of the Interview
Many women reported having mixed emotions while telling their stories and in the period after the interview.
“Because I had shared my experience to help other people, so I felt good about it. It just brought back memories and things that I hadn’t talked about for a while.”
“You can look at it as both positive and negative. Negative because the feelings are brought back to the surface. Positive because it was therapeutic.”
Some women found that recalling their experiences of abuse brought up a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, guilt, bitterness and fear. Most of these negative emotions were a result of memories that came up after the interview and some women reported that they lasted for days or in a few cases, weeks.
“After the interview, a feeling of fear came back. All alone in this house. Almost brought me back to day one when you’re initially afraid and don’t know where they are, what they’re doing, are they going to come and break the door down in the middle of the night.”
Women also reported that they had a new sense of their own strength when they told their stories and a realisation that they had come a long way since then.
“It helped me to bring out my inner strength.”
“You look at that but also look at how far you’ve come and you have a lot to be proud of.”
Several women found that doing the interview gave them new insight into themselves and their relationships.
“Later on, afterwards, all these things were coming back – that I didn’t realise I was being abused.”
“I had a really profound awareness that I was again in an abusive relationship with my youngest son.”
Two-thirds of the women reported no negative physical effects during or after the interview. Of the third who did, they reported experiencing headaches or sleeplessness, again as a result of the memories that came back after the interview. One woman wondered if her unexplained bouts of nausea during the night could be a result of the bad memories that had been flooding her mind.
Effects of Reading the Transcript
Many of the women survivors said that they found it more difficult emotionally to read the transcript of their interview than they did to tell their story to the interviewer.
“It kind of hit me and bothered me a bit that night. I thought I don’t really want to be looking at this. It just reminded me of what I went through.”
“It took twenty-three years for everything to happen. And then you’re reading it and it took less than an hour to read it. You’re reading a whole life in an hour, all of the abuse, the violence, the worry, the pain that you went through is all wrapped up in a one hour story. It really hit home.”
“You get filled with the shame again because you can’t believe that you lived that life.”
Some were surprised to discover they had said as much as they had.
“It felt really weird that I had said all those things to a complete stranger. Never did that before. I kept everything inside. I have been seeing a counsellor for two years and she hasn’t heard half of what I told the researcher that night.”
Other women found that the transcript served as a reality check to remind them of what they had lived through.
“Seeing it written down makes it reality. It kind of scared me that I allowed myself to be put through that.”
“I was sitting there and I thought it really does sound quite bad, when you read what happened to you.”
Several of the survivors said that they had to wait for the right time when they felt they were ready to read the transcript.
“I didn’t read it for about two weeks. It sat there and I would think about it. All those feelings of fear came up again.”
Many of the women said that seeing their history laid out in sequence was a positive experience. Many said it made them feel proud.
“It did touch me to know that I was able to deal with it at that point in time and get in control of my life and go on with my life.”
“I felt proud of myself. I laughed at some of the things I said. Felt good about it.”
Effects of Reading the Community Report
Reaction to the community report was overwhelmingly positive. The most common reaction for the women was relief to discover that they were not the only abused woman in their community. Reading about other women’s experiences helped to reduce their sense of isolation.
“I realised that there’s a lot of other people like me out there.”
“I knew I was not the only one. There are others who have been through this.”
Many of the survivors found that the report offered them an opportunity to compare their experiences with those of other women. They noted that there were many similarities in their experiences, but also some were shocked to discover that others had lived through what they considered to be worse experiences.
“I felt like the majority of those stories were mine.”
“I couldn’t believe that people were actually treated worse than I was.”
Some of the survivors expressed outrage when they realised that there are so many abused women.
“I was outraged. How many people out there have no access to help?”
“Shocked that it happens out there as much as it does. It was an eye-opener.”
Benefits of Participating
There was consensus among the women that their participation in the study was a positive experience and all said that they would not hesitate to do it again if asked. Some of the benefits they identified were similar to their reasons for participating; other benefits were identified only after they reflected back on the study. The benefits included:
- A sense that their experience has not been wasted.
“The opportunity to know that even though it was a traumatic period in my life, I can take my experience and take what was negative into something positive. It compensates in some way.”
- The opportunity to help other women.
“Hopefully if it helps one other abused woman out there stand up for herself, then it’s positive.”
- The knowledge that someone cared about their story and listened to them.
“To know that somebody actually cares enough to do this kind of a study and hopefully some good can come out of it.”
- The knowledge that they are not alone.
“I felt I wasn’t alone. That was the best part.”
“They had asked for ten girls to participate and I had thought, ‘Gee, maybe I’ll be the only one.’ And there were ten! So if there’s ten, there must be twenty!”
- The healing that comes with telling their story.
“Whenever you share your experience it’s of benefit to you because you grow from it, you can reaffirm your strength.”
“It lightened my load of feeling ashamed.”
Personal Change
When asked about personal change or growth as a result of their participation, survivors identified the following:
“It made me stronger.”
“I’m freer now because I don’t have to carry this inside any more. I can bring it out in the open and it’s not going to hurt me any more.”
“It’s good for the self esteem. I have a lot more qualities than I thought. I’m articulate, I’m strong, I’ve made some really good choices for myself. Reinforces that I’m a good person.”
“I came to the realisation that it wasn’t something I wanted or needed to dwell on any more.”
“I got strong and I’m willing to fight for the rights of abused women.”
Difficult Aspects of Participating
The hardest thing about participating in the study for one of the women was “just picking up the phone.”
Other women found difficulty with other aspects of the research.
“I didn’t like rereading the transcript.”
“Overcoming the feeling that I’m exposing myself again.”
“I really realised how abused I really was and how rough it must have been for the kids too.”
“Revealing that my husband wasn’t an angel. That he wasn’t as faultless as everybody thought he was.”
“Rehashing some of those awful events.”
“Keeping the kids out of my hair.”
“Wondering what I was going to say. If I was going to say the right thing.”
Greater Involvement
When asked whether they would have liked a greater level of involvement with ORWAS, such as being involved in determining the interview questions or finding themes in the transcripts, most of the women said no. Their reasons included not enough time and not enough expertise.
“I really don’t feel I have the education. My decisions wouldn’t be as good as someone with more education.”
Interestingly, when women were asked if they would like to be more involved with a future similar study, many of them said that they would.
“It was kind of new to me and I’d never done anything like that before, but now that I’ve done it I think I’d like to be involved.”
3.3 Benefits of a Collaborative Partnership
Reflections on the Future of ORWAS
Talking about the study coming to an end brought up some strong feelings for the women with regard to the outcome. At the same time as they expressed hope that there would be change as a result of the study, women were somewhat cynical about their expectations.
“And it’s like, ‘Hey we’ve done all this work to try to maybe change something or bring about a review of some sort of justice legislation’, and if there’s no action taken or no intent for the government to do something, then it’s sort of like, ‘Wait a minute, is this all going to fall on deaf ears?’ It’s certainly a bit of frustration.”
“I hope that it isn’t coming to an end as such. I hope now that the work of gathering the information has come to an end but the study and its findings are just at their beginning. I hope the study lives a long time and goes a lot of places.”
“Well, I feel kind of let down. Like, I feel that it should go further.”
“What I want to see is the end report. I know this has to come to an end, and that’s OK, but I just want the end report to have some meaning in it. If that end report comes out and it’s just the same as it was before, that’s going to be pretty damn frustrating. There’s got to be something coming out of this, for all of us women, because I hope to hell we didn’t go through this shit for nothing. So I’m excited.”
Interviewer: “What do you think will be done with the final report?
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Respondent: “Not much.
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Interviewer: “How do you feel about that?
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Respondent: “Pissed off.
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Interviewer: “Did you expect something different when you started this?
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Respondent: “No.
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Interviewer: “And yet you chose to participate?
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Respondent: “Yes, just in case. I put my make-up on every day just in case [laughs].”
Responsibility for Change
When asked who should take responsibility for implementing change at the community level post-ORWAS, most women did not see it as something for which they had any personal responsibility. If they had an idea at all, they saw that the responsibility lay elsewhere. The most common response to “what should happen now?”
was uncertainty.
“It depends on what you guys do with this study. Will you do anything with it?”
“I don’t know. Whoever is doing the study owns it and they need to decide where it will go.”
“When [community researcher] came with these [community reports] I was wrong, I thought she had an answer from Ottawa. Well, I was wrong, we’re not there yet. Oh my god it takes so long. So I’m excited waiting for the outcome.”
A few of the survivors saw themselves as having some role to play in effecting change.
“All of us. We all have to work together. It can’t be just [community researcher], can’t be just the shelter. The women who lived the abuse have got to start taking part in this. Secrecy is such a big issue in abusive relationships. So if the women going through it don’t talk, how are we going to know?”
One woman said that although she would like to become more active on the issue, it would be difficult for her to take a public stand in her community.
“It’s like coming out if I do because many relatives of my ex-spouse live in this town.”
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